Rushton Rules!

Following this term’s absolutely brilliant plays (of course), Proteus reconvened to end the term on the 29th March with some of the best new pieces of theatre you’ve ever clapped your eyes on. We spoil you, we really do. It was also special in the fact that it was Mr. Benjamin Rushton’s first proper Proteus in charge (hence the alliteration), and everyone was vibrating with anticipation to see what he would bring to the role. He didn’t disappoint and neither did the pieces.

First up was A Poem of Fear, written by the now ex-Proteus Manager, James Staynings, and directed by our very own Properties Manager, Ivo De Jager. This short piece very much lived up to its title with a poetic and artistic interpretation of what fears lie at the heart of man and what that really means for us. It starred Ollie Jones (who is getting to be a Proteus Veteran now – good to see people coming back for more!) and Natalija Voskresenska.

Second on the veritable menu of dishes was The Want written by Laura Longworth and directed by Alex Hatcher. This dark piece played out as dualistic – on the one hand we had a man talking with his shed, turning over the darkness that he had committed inside, and on the other we were transported into the past to see exactly what the darkness was that this shed held. It was a first time appearance from Adam Robertson, who acquitted himself very well and we look forward to seeing him in future performances. Also in the spotlight were Michael Cooper, fresh from a great stint as Danny in James Staynings’ very own Stand Up & Jump, and Ollie Jones, who just can’t get enough of Proteus apparently!

Last, but by no means least, came Writer’s Block, written by Alex “Trollface” Thompkins and directed by Proteus Veteran and consummate professional James Ward. This was a rather silly piece (I mean that in a good way!) with a hint of Monty Python about it. Calvin “Edward from Twilight” Ward (no relation) starred as the eponymous writer, struggling to come up with a funny and original idea for a Proteus sketch (Sketchception, right?) and Kat Ravlic starred as his back seat critic and ideas contributer. Each idea was demonstrated in the thought-world by Alice Murphy and Loriane Béhin, who were crap knights (intentionally) and druggie fish. When asked to push the boundaries of taste by their creator, these plucky shape-shifters got the hump and did what any normal person would do – formed a union and went on strike. It was a silly, laugh out loud way to end the show and the term.

Following these pieces all of LUTheatre got together for a jolly old knees up – LUT & The Chocolate Factory social (special thanks to Cynthia Onyilimba) and that was it for another term. Proteus will return after the Easter break, but in the meantime you’ll have to console yourself with inferior quality brands. Sorry.

Love Was In the Air Once/ And So It Ends

One day to go to the LUT AGM and we I’m finished with this job…feels like it was an appropriate time to write my last blog as Proteus Manager…it’s a pretty sad experience…yet at the same time it means I have to do less work, get more time to actual do my dissertation and just like Tony Blair or George W. Bush I may be lucky enough to get out before the sh#t really hits the fan. Wait unlike you find out that Proteus is know sponsored by O2 and have been claiming money back on a second home.

We started the night off with some pretty cool mood lighting by our soon-to-be former Tech manager, Mr Rob Hudd with his last gift to Proteus. We had red spotlighting at the corner of the stage with made everything look joyful, happy and ROMANTIC which was fitting considering it was the day after Valentine’s Day, something that some of the regular patrons seemed surprised at…just shows how out of touch with reality we sometimes our as students or how some of us are forever alone.

The first piece of the night was a comedy written by Peter Clarke and directed by Holly Ellis The Bet, a piece about what would happen if members of some University Science Department decided to play a prank on a colleague involving the cloning of a Dodo…which natural goes wrong. Starring James Wards and Lily Portman as the two joksters, Laurie Andrade as the gullible Professor, Holly Ellis as the quiet doctor on her laptop and Peter Clarke as the Scottish Vice-Chancellor who in no way was influenced by Malcolm Tucker from The Thick of It. The joke of course turned into a big PR disaster as everyone believes the joke and the cow-dug storm that is the Vice-Chancellor’s fury rains down on the department harder than a meteor on the dinosaurs (see what I tried there?). If you wonder what may have look like, search on Youtube Malcom Tucker Best Dress Down Ever.

We then moved on swiftly to a piece written and directed by Proteus veteran Toby Holleran who spent his valentine’s Day reported with blow-up doll, some Kleenex and some porn…just kidding. Only one of the previous is true.The Date starred Ollie Jones and Ivo De Jager as two people who’d probably been in the friend-zone a hell of a long time before Ollie’s character decided to ask her out on a date. Treated to several monologues Ollie stopped to re-evaluate what he was doing every something went wrong…which was quite a lot. The trouble however only escalated as Alex Thompkins arrived and noticed that Ivo had frozen. After experimenting in trying to unfreeze her and finally succeeding, Ivo’s character goes into her own monologue and inadvertently mistakes Ollie’s frozen position to be the effects of some kind of drug and leaves him frozen…poor guy. At least the wine was nice.

After a poetry reading by former Proteus Manager, Nick Palmer who’s first anthology of poetry Three Worlds is available now on Amazon as an e-book for less than a £1 and will soon be on the shelves in the Library Bookshop, we then ended the show with a piece written by James Ward and directed by Sarah Greenwood called Chat Up Lines. Starring Ojie Imoloame as a man desperate to talk to an attractive girl, played by Stephanie Collins, Ojie’s character found himself using every line in the book to try and get a date. Lucky for him he was able to re-wind time after every attempt so we got to see the full range of chat-up lines which some men try and use. We had everything from smooth words, to song to a shirtless Ojie mimicking the Old Spice Man adverts…without the horse. While Ojie was trapped working things out in his delusions Natalija Voskrenska came to whisk Steph’s character away before he could make his move.

Well here it ends as every dictatorship has to end at some time or another…here lies the end of Chairman J. While I’m sad it’s all ending I think I can honestly say that I’ve done everything wish Proteus that I could to do. From adding new elements, to the show to starting the Proteus Writer’s Forum, to generally making sure we get people through the door and actors and pieces in the building by annoying people with messages from all directions. This, the Proteus blog alone since my reign started has reached over 2,523 hits to date…or like all dictators I might be talking complete bull, but either way thanks for the memory’s my old friend.

Whoever takes over come tomorrow I’m pretty confident will take Proteus keep Proteus heading in the right direction and will put there own stamp on the job.

Chairman J Over And Out One Last Time!

And So It Begins…Again

The main problem that faces Proteus this term isn’t the issue of keeping actors in line, finding writers to write new pieces or even for me to keep producing the knock-off version of humour that I provide in the intervals…rather it will be the issues thrown at Proteus due to roombooking issues. Proteus this term started off in the near-by, yet unfamiliar Attenborough Lecture Theatre 3, a new venue for some first years but for those of us how’ve been doing Proteus too long will remember it well. Yet considering for me that I’ll soon be out the job, it won’t be my problem for much longer.

After starting with a reading of the Larkin poem; ‘This Be The Verse’…a poem about why you should not have kids, Family Meal , written and directed by Loriane Behin, about a gay couple having dinner with their argumentative sister in-law and silently smothered son…you can guess how funny it was just by that. And if you can’t well it starred Toby Holleran as the smoothered and the almost invisible son, Natalija Voskrensenka as the aunt and the real-life couple of Alex Hatcher and Peter Sellars as the fathers. I think Peter Sellars defensive, over-the-top, yet slightly irrational argument alone was worthy of a few laughs Peter Sellars everyone!

From dysfunctional families to dysfunctional couples, Guilty Pleasures, written by James Staynings and directed by James Ward highlighted some important things about relationships. You don’t need headphones to buy a ring, Rick Ashtley is more than just a ‘guilty pleasure’, even girls can watch porn too and if you also have a candy-floose machine you can re-create the scene from Katey Perry’s music video for ‘California Girls’. Starring Ollie Jones and Stephanie Collins who will hopefully, like the audience on the night and everyone reading will not jump to the conclusion that this was a semi-autobiographical piece. As I do not own a candy-floose maker.

To something a bit more serious we moved then onwards towards dealing with a difficult issue that can hit people early in life. Written by Ben Rushton and directed by Cynthia Onyilimba Parkinsons was about how a youn woman, played by Shayna Franzetti attempted to break off her relationship with her boyfriend, as played by Samuel James. The piece brought up a lot of issues and feelings from the ideas of someone being there just so they can play the hero to the fact that it doesn’t matter how long it takes for the diease to hit you, you still have it and it will begin sooner or later.

We then finished the night on something a bit more thouht-provoking with Nick Palmer’s piece Seasons of the Heart, directed by Laurie Andrade. It starred Ben Rushton and Kat Ravlic as two people who meet at the bus stop everyday and slowly enter a relationship, but as the seasons change, so does their feelings and affections for one another. From the momentary humour of thinking someone had an accent to then seeing a couple grow together and then apart, there was a lot of truth in how things can go. Naomi Morris also starred near the end as a new girl coming to the bus stop.

Is it just me or do we members of LUT and Proteus have a collective interest in relationships, break-ups, make-ups, ups and downs of love? Maybe. See you next Wednesday on the 15th at 7 for the next Proteus .

Chairman J out!

The Christmas Proteus Blog (What You Expect A Fancier Title?)

It’s 2012 and we’re only a few months away from the end…of the year really. Usually from January onwards its all downhill from here really with exams, dissertations and more modules that for us second and third years mean we actually have to do the work, unlike some of you. But instead of panicking about the upcoming doom and the exam period, why not take a few minutes to remember better times like the last Shampoo of the year and the Christmas Proteus. Let your fears go away, at least for a few minutes of procrastination.

The night started with the remains of what come have been in the adult world a drunken Christmas party but what really was a scene of pre-drinks for group of young women ready to go out on the town and pull. Girls, written by Ojie Imoloame and directed by Holly Ellis showed us what women may talk about when they are getting ready to go out. Starring Cynthia Onyilimba, Stephanie Collins, Alice Twyman and Loraine Behin, all of whom were slurring, wobbly and off their rockers thanks to the influence of guys like Jim Bean, Jack Daniels and that bi-curious one Stella Artois, spent the piece discussing their relationships with men in the bedroom. They pretty much highlighted the stupidity of men worrying and the size of their swords and how some of them expect to be serviced if they just take it out and put it in a girl’s face. I just realised for some of the male readers that this might have just made you even lower than you were. First I reminded you of exams, now maybe your manhood.

This was followed by Crayons, a piece written and and directed by Ben Rushton. In a refreshingly different change of tone and pace his piece about a young girl who seems to see either a dead boy or an imaginary friend and who’s life is made horrible by everyone around. It starred Nick Palmer as the guy boy who lost his teddy and who liked to light up his face with a torch, Sarah Greenwood as the young girl everyone seemed against, Ollie Jones as her bullying older brother, Cynthia Onyilimba as the girl’s supposed friend and Alice Twyman as her strict mother. This reminds me of your awful childhood if like me you were told off for wanting to draw unicorns.

Finally we finished the night with a comic piece written by Toby Holleran and directed by Jess Martin called Christmasochist. Starring James Bloomfield as a grumpy young man who has a dislike for the festive season with Jess Martin as his long suffering girlfriend and Alex Hatcher and Natalija Voskresenska as his housemates their discussion of secret Santa and Christmas presents and sex (typical of a Holleran piece). Lots of laughs all around given the amount of sexual references, the mention of the ‘awkward turtle’ and the like, reminding you that while Christmas presents cost money your family and friends are priceless…yeah that was pretty cheesy…

Enjoy your month of procrastination and while not decide to Procrastinate with Proteus later in the month and come see the first Proteus of the term which is the 27th January!

Chairman J out…

A Night at the Geriatric Sex Clinic with a Group of D#cks

Happy New Year! And what better way for Proteus to start the new year than with its manager finally getting around to writing up the report from two Proteus’ ago…that’s pretty bad of me but in my defence I spent part of the night with a head injury and a hurt toe thanks to a mysterious man who attacked me and stole my job for the night. And when I say injury I mean carefully staged stage drive backwards over a foot rest and onto a set of steps and when I say mysterious man…I mean Toby Holleran who became the first person to guest host Proteus.

We started the night with a preview from the second LUT show of the term, the fantastical and highly entertaining showcase of different songs from different musicals called A Night at the Musicals. Written by Emma Ingleton and directed by Sarah Johnson and starring Amy Frost, Georgia Nicola and Hannah Gawthorpe in this scene about Hannah’s character’s unspoken love for her friend. Accompanied by Jess Langton who was playing the keyboard behind the tech desk, Amy and Georgia tarted Hannah up in sunglasses and scarves while singing the Wicked song’Popular’. I used to think I hated musicals until I saw this musical back in November. If you missed it well, shame on you.

This was after followed by a piece written and directed by the dynamic duo of Ellie Mole and James Bloomfield about what really happens behind the scenes at the Freeman’s Common STD Clinic. The Clinic starred James Bloomfield as a gay secretary, James Stokes as a teeny-bopper trying to get his hands on condoms, Naomi Jevons as a girl wanting to know if she had ‘the Clap’, two other actors who played a lesbian who thought they had conceived a baby together and another actor who played the drunken doctor. Apologises to those actors who’s names I’ve forgotten but if you fb or email me I will edit you in . The piece used a pretty unique style of set and also was responsible for highlighting that LUT committee members have limits when the props mistress refused to by a porn magazine and condoms.

Next was a piece written by LUT madman and future doctor (God help you if he gets your hand on your dead body) Peter Sellars’ who made his Proteus writing début with Gibbering Geriatrics. Surprisingly not as offensive as expected, this piece, directed by Lauri Andrade, however it did not re-frame from telling jokes about STD’s, cafeters, immigrants and one granny telling us that the space between her legs in her heyday saw as much traffic as the M1. Starring Sarah Greenwood as a thieving granny, Loraine Behin as a sleepy granny, Alice Twyman as drunk nurse and Ojie Imoloame as the granddad who can’t get it up. Need I say much more?

Finally we finished the night with a piece written, directed and starring the night’s guest host, Toby Holleran called DICKS. As the title suggests it was a comic piece that showed once again how men can be such…buggers with their drinking, sex and general buggery. The main characters as played by Toby Holleran, James Stokes, Alex Hatcher and Ojie Imoloame discovering that by the power of fate (or their own pre-existing seating preference) has meant that they are sat down in a way that the start of each guys name in order spells out the word DICK. Much to the annoyance of long suffering woman and girlfriend of James who not only had to listen to their bull, while also feeling excluded from the boy’s club. Though luckily for her she becomes the ‘S’ to their DICK to make it…you get the picture.

Wow, also up to date with these Proteus blogs…next time…CHRISTMAS PROTEUS!

Chairman J…out!
Casey Heighton, Ojie

A Very Proteus Christmas Poem (unedited and uncut)

Due to popular demand and as my Christmas gift to all you Proteus folk out there, there is the ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas Proteus’ poem and frame narrative. Hope you enjoy. I am currently two reports behind but I promise to have them up by New Year.

JAMES: Oh! Sorry. I didn’t see you there. As you might know, the festive season is upon us, so it’ seemed like the perfect time for me to take a break from my usual routine, which I know you all love, right? [wait for response] To try something a little special given of course, it’s Christmas, yay. Tonight I am going to tell you a true story from my own life. However, to protect those mentioned in my story I’ve had to change many details. Names, dates, times, places and faces have been changed…in other words this story is completely fictional, but what matters is we have some fun for an hour and I’m able to fill up the time between each piece. This story is called… A Very Proteus Christmas. Let me set the scene.
Twas the night before Christmas Proteus and all through the town
Not a LUT’er was stirring, well, except for a few technical clowns
[lights go out]
Did you don’t think I was ready for this? Or know what to say
You turn those lights back on or you won’t get your Christmas bonus, or any other pay
TECHY: What pay?
STAYNING: Come on Rob, please…I brought you a Christmas present.
I promise it’s nothing like the birthday present I got you, it’s pretty pleasant.
[Lights back on]
STAYNINGS: I’ll give it to you at the end of the show-
And back to the poem…so…
The students were tired after another long term
And with Christmas approaching, the thought of exams made them squirm.
Essays were handed in and most work for the winter gone
Many students probably wanted to celebrate and break out in song
Or crack open a bottle or two of malt wine
Or doing going downtown visiting stores and following signs
And those actors who took part in this term’s LUT productions three;
Lost and Found, Night at the Musicals and Measure for Measure were free
While the poor actors of Proteus were still learning their lines
And at the same time their Proteus manager was sat at home having to make up rhymes
When he could have been relaxing, playing Skyrim or having fun times (but I’m not bitter or anything)
But on that night before Christmas Proteus no one expected to see the man in red in his sled
And after the events of that night I wish I had too, but nay
I wish I was awoken by a clatter
I wish I was not subjected to such an obscene, surreal matter
But in the end it makes a more entertaining tell than the latter.
The LUT members were all at home, tucked up in their beds
While the vision of Keith Brown’s naked body danced away in their heads
And apologises for anyone who is here who doesn’t get that reference or is new
But if you’d like to find out what it means, why not come afterwards to the scholar as LUT presents Shampoo
When outside my window aroused such a patter
To what sounded like the cry of a madman’s natter
So I sprang from my bed, opened the curtains
I didn’t know what it was bit I had to be certain
A figure stood there, and looked as rearranged as the mad hatter
Then he bent over the gutter and out of his mouth vomit began to splatter
And he wore a red hat on his head yes like St Nick
But the first words that came to my mouth, were, ‘what a prick’.
But the guy obviously just had to much booze, like half the people in this lecture theatre were on Saturday night or yesterday, he was sick
And it was six AM then, almost mourn
So I turned on my laptop and decided to watch some…something else
So I plugged in my earphones and hand tissues at hand…I was watching the Nightmare Before Christmas if you must know, it gets me in the mood- the holiday mood. Anyway
I was sat in my bed when out the corner of my eye- Jesus
From my letter box, in poked another man’s penis
The man’s trouser snake looked at me, smiling and hissed
It spat out its venom and the drunk to took a piss (all over my bloody carpet)
So I got mad and grabbed my baseball bat ready to brawl
I lined up the letterbox slot, pulled the bat back and shouted ‘this is war’
And I slammed my bat into the man’s mistletoe
What that not funny, or too much of a low blow?
I opened the door to ready to bash in his brains
I looked at the guy, though no, this is insane
He crumbled on the floor, it couldn’t have been
I shouted out laughing, ‘Shit, it’s Charlie Sheen’.
I asked the man what he was doing in Leicester
And he talked from jibberish about something being ‘a total freakin’ Rasta from Mars’
He vomited again, looked up and said ‘you the Proteus manager right?’
And that utterance for some reason just gave me a fright
‘How did you know?
When did you see the show?’
He looked up and replied;’it’s written on your hoodie, Jackass, you got any blow’
And I just looked at him and said…’no’

This was as far as I got and would like to publicly thank James Ward as the frame work was his idea and the opening introduction was pretty much all him.

Well done everyone for a good term, a good Proteus and Shampoo
A lot of drinking and fun and I hope the same goes for you
As let’s face it, Peter Sellars remaining clothed and Alex Hatcher not waking up in the zoo
I’d say that was a successful night at the Union that didn’t end with malice or a fight
Merry Christmas to all and to all of you…a good night

Chairman J out!

A Long Time Coming…Death from Relationships to Break-ups to Marriage to Mars and Warcraft

Firstly, just wanted to say sorry about for taking so long to get the blog done. The last few weeks have been very hectic with all sorts of stuff going on in my life up to now so I hope you can forgive me for putting my degree first for a change. If not then let me draw you a door…its to use it to leave if you didn’t get what I was getting at. Anyway the second Proteus of the new academic year got off to pretty fun start a few weeks back with the usual mix of laughs and tears and we some how found some time to put on a few sketches.

The first piece of the night was the Proteus directorial and writing début of Nicola Brown who’s piece Willy’s Will was a comedy about the will and fortune of a rich dead old man and his parasitic family who trying to get his money. Starring Sam Ashby, Sophie Ackers, Anshu Sachev, Bryony Plumb and Tom Spurgin, the piece was set in the 1930s and had aspects of false love, back-stabbery, alcohol and exotic dancing which got one section of the audience extremely noisy. Using also some new staging ideas and having the actors playing multiple roles at time it still made some pretty valid comments about society. For example, don’t invest your money in American banks just before the Great Depression and if you ever decide to go to a strip club remember that the girl you’re perving over is someone’s daughter…she may even be yours.

We followed this with a more serious piece written by Kat Ravlic about the problems of marriage and how things can often end as the title suggests Happy Ever After. Directed by Caz Allen and starring Alice Tywman talking about how her husband turned out to be a complete scumbag after they were married. Just to remind all the women out there, there are still some good men out around and who are looking for a nice girl too…obviously not me, but maybe we should have a man lottery at Proteus sometime in the near future?

Afterwards we got to see an example of how those good guy perhaps never get the girl because they don’t know what to say to them. Ask Her!, written and directed by Nicola Wilson pretty much highlighted why chatting up women is never as easy as in the Hollywood films. Starring Tim Aberlin as the ‘weird German guy who stares at me’, James Stokes ‘his quite attractive friend’, Emilie Fitzsimons as the girl Tim wanted ‘to eat’ and with a cameo from Nicola Wilson as the waiter, well- it just made me glad that I’m not single.

Next up was One Small Step For Man written by Lauri Andrade and directed by Zara Jassim the audience found out that while it took years for men to get a man on the moon, Starbucks had already conquered the galaxy with its chain of extortionate life-sucking brand of lattes. Starring Cassie Heighton, Ollie Jones, Anshu Sachev and Lauri Andrade as the writer who has to write a coup out because they didn’t know how to end their story, I hope it made some people aware that NASA invested more time and money into making a memorable quote for the moon-landing than building the rocket.

We finished the night with a piece written by Proteus noob (that word being very appropriate given the piece’s subject matter) Alex Thompkins and directed by James Ward called NPC which the biggest mystery surrounding War of Warcraft and games like it…what the hell do the characters talk about when they are not being harassed, killed for fun or tea-bagged by online adventurers. Starring Alex Thompkins as the King, Paul Allen as his Advisor, Ojie Imoloame as hardcore gamer number 1, and then Naomi Morris as hardcore gamer number 2, who just happens to be a woman!

You know I used to be an adventurer once…then I took an arrow to the knee

Signing off with geek references for the win!

Chairman J out!